In recent years, crime programmes have made the actions of people who commit major and often horrific offences more accessible viewing. In the past, we read about these happenings in newspapers, there were snippets on TV and the odd documentary. Through in depth interrogations and gavel to gavel coverage of court proceedings, we are exposed to the accused’s belief systems, ideologies, perspectives and mindsets. Their frames of reference. Looking at the number of views on said programmes, in their hundreds of thousands if not millions, one cannot help but wonder at our interest in what is often disturbing and painful viewing. I have often wondered why we are seemingly fascinated by them. I have certainly asked that question of myself many times. and perhaps it is driven by a curiosity into the minds of people who we see as having very different frames of reference to ourselves.

Comments under these videos express horror, shock, disbelief, a castigation for the accused and empathy for victims. Perhaps our curiosity is based on a need to see the opposite of who we think we are. Perhaps there is an evolutionary basis for our protection; if we know these people exist, then we can better protect ourselves. Their actions are so far removed from how we see ourselves and the world that we cannot help but want a peek into their minds. Wanting to see the people behind the crimes and their punishment is not a new phenomenon. We know that in many communities, punishment for similar crimes was communal and open: in the middle of town squares in medieval England, around a council of elders in African indigenous communities, and on the tops of hills in others. Jesus, according to the bible was crucified with two criminals on top of a hill, after much public clamouring in front of Pilate’s court.

While these people may have a very different way of looking at things, and are at one extreme end of the spectrum, the way we see the world – our perspective or frame of reference – very much influences how we behave and is closely linked to our identity. It provides a stable structure from where we can base our decisions and make choices, and it drives our behaviours. Imagine having to make decisions when we do not know what values or belief we are basing them on. It would be an eternally frustrating battle. Having a certain frame through which we see the world thus allows us to interact, build or break away from relationships, make decisions on careers, parenting, finances, look after our physical, mental and emotional health and so on.

From this, it is easy to see how our lives are influenced by this structure and by extension; other people’s lives will be too. If everyone is working from a very unique and personal frame of reference, how can we ever agree on anything? The way we see our world will be influenced by several things: our families and upbringing, the communities in which we grew up in or live, the culture -customs and traditions, religion or lack thereof, the law, education, and personal experiences etc. Thus we will have a collective way of looking at things that filters into and shapes our personal perspectives. This does not mean that we have no control: we know siblings brought up in the same household who have opposite ways of looking at things. Of course children can experience their parents very differently, but on the whole, family systems tend to work on the whole unit. How much these external factors influence us will depend on how much insight and self awareness we develop, how reflective we are, which we can do through Journaling ¹, and how willing we are to interrogate our values, beliefs and ideas and then change them. Often, we never stop to think about where the ideas, values and beliefs that we hold on to so tightly came from. We just accept them as is. Next time you have a strong view about something, try and think where that came from: a teacher, a parent, a peer, society. Why do you believe that? What can make this self reflection even more complex is when we have a frame of reference, taken on from others that we ought to just accept things as they are, and we must not question.

If our perspectives influence the way we behave, then we can extrapolate from this that if we understand the perspectives of others then we can better interact with and or support them. One area that we can use frames of reference to guide us is in our relationships. If someone’s frame of reference is so far removed from ours that we struggle to understand them, then it is going to prove quite challenging to be in say, an intimate relationship with them. This can help us in choosing our partners because once the flush of physical and sexual attraction wanes, the fundamentals: values, beliefs, ideas will remain, and that is what will drive both our behaviours. Are your perspectives so different that they are seemingly incompatible? How do you view money? Parenting? Religion? Politics – especially now when this is getting more and more polarised? Faithfulness, generosity, kindness, boundaries, selfcare, greed, self-centredness, love, independence, expressiveness etc? How fixed are those values and beliefs? Can you be flexible around them? If you have opposing values and beliefs on those very important things to a potential partner or friend, are they a deal breaker for you? How can you work around them?

The same applies to our colleagues and peers, even family members whose perspectives are very different to ours. If we can understand them, we might be able to build better relationships with them. We tend to have less choice about who we work with, unless we move jobs and try and find people with perspectives similar to ours, but that is not always possible. So how can we be more understanding? By listening – really listening, being empathic – seeing the world as if you were them -, trying not judge what they are saying – not being judgemental is not the same as condoning -, seeing them as separate to you: perhaps you would not have done something the way they did, but they are them and you are you. Try to understand why they believe as they do, how did they get there? Being respectful and valuing the other person’s right to hold said perspectives (within the bounds of non-oppressive behaviour).

However, I think the most helpful thing we can do to understand another person’s frame of reference, is learning to understand ourselves, first and foremost.

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